i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
