Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
