Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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