I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
