I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
