Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
