Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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