Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
