The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
