he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
