Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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