im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
