U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
