just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
