he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Randomize
