so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
