I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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