Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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