in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
