I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
