At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
