Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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