I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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