The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
