apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
