I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
