Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
