The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
