i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
