If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
