I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
