My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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