at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
