Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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