How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
