I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
