Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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