FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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