Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
