I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i don't like sucking hair
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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