My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
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Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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