Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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