I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
