My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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