party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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