I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
