nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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