Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Even my vagina gasped.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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