yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Randomize
