"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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