I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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