when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
