That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
