i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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