So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
