dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
