you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
